Haven't seen her in 3 months

I've never been so deprived on the inside, then revived to finally see someone ever in my life before. She has no clue, I'm sure. Kinda wish I could convey this across...she'll probably never know.

Why I'm never doing interviews

If I were to tell a person exactly what would be going through my mind in one minute, there'd be actions, doubts, lack of self-security, random articles of information, typically all resulting in a loss of where I even started. My doctor told me the pills could help, but I found out half the time they're filled with complete BS. So my mind accepted it- I just had to find a way to control my train of thought. And while it never really is under control, I have that  shell. And in that shell is a buffer zone, where I could freely think before something affects me personally. 

And I can't stop writing about her.

I'll never be able to stop writing about her.

But let me know in two years, I'm sure something'll work itself over.

I can't help but think.

Sometimes I think my life would be better in the third-person-not-affected-by-first-person-emotions life.  As much as I'll tell you I try my best not to have feelings extend beyond friendship, and WAY before relationships, they happen. I'll get a girlfriend. Up until a little less than two years ago, I could've sworn I was right.

Then I let my mind obsess. I told it "Think what you want to think. There's nothing society can tell you otherwise. It's your mind, and you should only care what it tells you."And I will- I couldn't stop thinking of this one girl. Probably the second-only obsession I've had in high school, and it's clear the first one should've ended well within the first three weeks. But it's amazing how long it dragged on. I didn't have a moral balance to tell myself what I was thinking couldn't be healthy for future decisions. But it's only right for me to say I've had relationships past that two-year-ago mark where all I could think about was her, and I can't help to think it's because I let my mind get carried away.

But in this current relationship, it's withered away. It started strong- nothing but feelings for the girl in the relationship. As time ran along, I started pulling out pros and cons, "why's" and "if's". I just can't believe that one moment where all seemed doomed made me realize I had such deep feelings for her. And it wasn't until I started talking about it to my obsession that she clearly put it in perspective, and made me want her back like how it all started.

Bottom line is I shouldn't be allowed to date. Not now, not ever. Not unless it's clear in my mind I can ever make it bulletproof.

There's a moment in every relationship/argument...

...where you can put the phone down and everything will be okay.

Just let the opposing party know you have to put the phone down for a little bit to avoid mixing your feelings into your logic.

Review- Neuro 'Bliss' water

Dammit all, this packaged water idea's making me a little sick. And quite frankly, so is the water.

Here's the deal; Every time I go in to deposit a check or earn some pocket money, I celebrate a little. I walk into the King Soopers off of 80th and Wadsworth (yes, that overkill of a market) and go directly to the beverage refrigerator on the far right portion of the store. No big deal. I always pick out my beverage of choice- Powerade Zero in Strawberry. Delicious stuff. Only today was different- no more Powerade Zero in Strawberry. In fact, no Powerade Zero variety at all. So here I am, looking at these hippie excuses for tea, Sobe vomit in a plastic container, JUICE (as if the world hasn't stopped packaging nature already) and finally, my eyes rest upon the bright, retina blinding primary colors of Neuro water.

I've heard rants about this damn water all over Facebook, claiming their 'effects' work. Now, me being all sassy and what not, I strongly dislike when people think carbonated water gives off superpowers. With the amount of Diet Coke I've drank in my life, I should be Superman. NO- Iron Man...with cancer.

Anyways, I decide to buy this overpriced 14.5flOz of white water. As I'm walking to the register, I'm reading the bottle. In the bottom left corner of the label, it reads strongly that no claims on the bottle were, or are, approved or researched by the FDA. So now I'm thinking I'm carrying a bottle full of horse sperm. No big deal- it's on sale.

These claims on the bottle- let's read them specifically:

- Helps reduce stress
- Enhances mood
- Provides focused concentration
- Promotes a positive outlook

AND BEHOLD, I TAKE A DRINK.

First thought- it's flat Fresca. It is! All of this is marketing BS. I'm sure somewhere the corporation that distributes Fresca is in a desperate situation to get more business, because who likes Fresca? No one. That's who likes Fresca.

On my way home, I'm yelling at old people to get off the road. So now I'm pretty set on the idea that Neuro doesn't want to sell to old people. Sounds legit. Anyways, there goes the claim that it reduces stress. There's my second thought.

Third thought- I'm not singing along to Katy Perry. As we all know, you're in a damn good mood if you're singing along to Katy Perry. I most certainly wasn't. So there goes the whole 'enhances mood' BS.

I do think it improved my concentration. I can only say that much so far. Here's my reasoning- Pomona was having a Car Wash and they brought out the cheerleading squad. So essentially there are high school girls in bikinis. I drive by them and all I could think of was Katy Perry. So yeah, concentration savvy water here.

I'll leave that fourth one up in the air. Buying the water makes you feel good, sure. It's a futuristic-looking water bottle that isn't plastered with sponsors or graphics- it gets right to the point. Frankly, most packaging should be that way anyways. We don't need to be sold by 90's marketing techniques. That's out the door seven years ago!

So while I hate this water, I can't give it any more thought. Mainly, because it's going to pass right through me. Secondly, Katy Perry.

Just finished my first week at UCD

...just thought you should know.

Tomorrow...

...I join a bowling league.

SUCK IT.

Really, it's only getting worse.

...but really now, it's only for the better. Not sadistic, I swear. There's just less left to ponder about human psychology. The guilt and 'pain' associated with learning the truth can only deficit a negative outcome, and substantially emphasize positivity.

I really don't need a pat on the back for everything. I'm a goddamn adult.

And let me tell you, I've tried thinking both sides out. There's no winning with jerks. Everyone's an attention whore- It's just another particularly irritating deficiency in our civil construction.

Aside from all of that, everyone relies on trust more than is granted. It's like subconsciously allowing for a safety net, while imagining everything will go great regardless of what the opposing party says.

Anyways, this is all a result of my stupid jump-to-conclusions-obsessed-with-a-girl-that-has-no-attachment-to-me.

I'll leave with a picture.

I feel really alone in the world right now.

It's a harsh sense of the world "independent," but I think I know what people are making a big fuss about.

It's tough. Knowing I'm working a job that has no safety net is scary. Signing up for college and applying for loans on my own is scary. Even knowing most of what I've produced up until today is pointless. Kinda scary. But I guess that's the sheer taste of independence. 

That blissful freethinking that only occurred with a reassurance my parents would be able to pick me up if I failed could only be thought of fondly, but now impractical. 

So here's to a big step out there in the wild. I can only help myself up from here on out.

1.5 months

I'm back again. And no, honestly, that glasses idea never took any progress.

But here's what happened!

- Was a DJ for 5 grad parties.
    - Made BANK
- Played the rooftop at Vinyl Nightclub
    - Socked a loser in the face, business-wise
- Got my diploma (in the mail)
- Registered for classes

- Gave up hope with my current crushes
..
...
- GOT IT BACK (after rocking out!)

- New longboard (in fact, 2)

- Went on July 4, ripped open my right side on a curb
- Healed as of today!

As I sit here in my reordered room, rocking in an Ikea chair, revisiting my curious, anxious nature of being a freshmen, there's still so much more to do before fall hits.

Let's do it!

On tomorrow's agenda:

1. Buy cheap, stylish sunglasses.

2. Buy small, thin mirror

3. Strategically break mirror

4. Glue parts of mirror onto sunglasses, leaving gaps.

5. Voila. Shatter shades.

Graduation

I'm officially done with high school!

I have not a worry in my mind concerning my future education!

The FAFSA's done!

- I'm free.

Believe in the Veldt

Deadmau5' "The Veldt" gave me the same feeling that Cher's "Believe" gave me when I was 5 and I heard that kind of house for the first time in my life. Enclosed in a beige castle known as my mom's job at AT&T - also known as my birth to a technological world.

After prom.

I woke up to the sounds of roaring helicopters from outside my window. With my eyes too lazy to open, I imagined it was some noisy lawn mower. I figured why not...I'll take a peek. Guess I was wrong - it was a helicopter. In addition to the low-flying black hawk, four News vans were outside, with their antennas hoisted tens of feet in the air. In front of them were news journalists, yellow-vested authorities with K9 units and onlookers from deep inside the park.

I immediately got dressed and rushed downstairs. Without skipping a beat, I asked a guardsman what happened. I looked around for a fire, some building collapsing, or maybe a lifeless corpse. Turns out the third one was almost dead on. The authorities' mission today was to find the body of a missing 19 year-old girl, known to have hidden in the park during times of hardship at her residency, only a block down. She grew dormant from her teenage progression. As her life became constricted, so did her intelligence. Eventually, she'd develop problems with her cognition. At the age of 19, she had the mind of a 12 year old. She ran away 2 nights ago, and there's been a rumor her body was across the street from my house.

They found the body. It wasn't hers.

With more questions floating around, I spent my day going to work, and coming back to my house. I have a view of the park from outside my bedroom window. I'm sure her parents are scared to death about whether they'll find her, or if she's dead or alive.

What's on my mind is that they found a body in the park right across from my house. What's more scary is that it wasn't hers.

I wonder where she might be.

I love today.

So we ran through Narnia, drove through Atlantis, and stopped to look over the ruins of Stargate. I asked her to prom - she said yes. That was the official part. Now she wants me to ask her in front of the whole school.

Yeah, this girl rocks.

So now I'm thinking of ways to ask her out "unofficially". Just like a wedding - nothing official until the judge signs it.

So here's my plan so far: I'll get a schedule of all her classes. The first class, she'll get a rose. In the second class, she'll get a violet. In order the notes will read: "ROSES ARE RED" - "VIOLETS ARE BLUE..." Then, in front of EVERYONE at lunch (of which, she'll have to be there - no exception), I will give her the final bouquet of roses.

The note attached will read "...PROM WITH YOU IS MY DREAM, WILL YOU MAKE IT COME TRUE?" I will assemble a beastly choir humming Spandau Ballet's "True".

...and yes. I'm still getting that damn suit (and WEARING it when I ask her).

Mac, you don't need her.

Oh yes. Yes I do.

Tell you what - I'll buy a well-tailored suit. I'll budget 200 dollars to a night out in town, take you to dinner, right before I take you to see a symphony. When we're old enough to drink, it'll be a classy venue downtown. Both ways, as we exit, it'll hit me that your eyes reflect all the perfect colors of my memory and by a capricious altercation of events, you'll be in my arms. If I'm doing this, I'm making sure the best night of my life has you in it. In return, I'll make sure it'll be the best night of your life.

And just like that, the rest of my life kicks off.

Stay safe.

I can't even stress how scared for you I am. Today made me realize that you are more than just another face in the crowd. You may be an oddball, and I'm sure that I've jumped to conclusions after one day, but to you, freedom seemed like this one-way ticket to instantly undeniable happiness. I'll probably never forget us lying under the stars, in the dry, chapped field. It's the first time in a while where I've stepped back and forgot about my worries. I love how you always have something witty to say, regardless of how short my responses might be.

To see you completely shut down after your dad tries to call you hurt me the most. I wish I knew what to say when you told me your dad hits you. I wish I wrote down my number somewhere safe for you, since I know you now have no ways of communicating with society.

Long story short, I hope that your dad didn't file a bogus police report. I hope your dad didn't beat you. I wish to see you soon, and I hope I'm just stressing out over the littlest thing, because I can't stand to see you fall in the hands of ill-mattered fate.

Stay safe.

Please prove me wrong next weekend.

Just so you know, I'll be there at Faversham park:

I'll be dressed up in a tux, standing across rose petals and candles as you arrive.

You'll ask the reason for the trimmings. I'll take you by the hands and tell you something along the lines of this: "You and I don't have a date to prom. For my senior prom, I want to make it as special as it can possibly be. I can only make it that special with you in it. Will you go to prom with me?"

I want you to prove me wrong - to let me know you're not a drone (or robot).

Overall, I just hope you say yes. Those roses are gonna be pricey.

Really.

Just about nobody knows about this blog. It's become a dark realization I do this out of narcissism, but not really. I only argue against myself and amplify my insecurities. Maybe secretly I hope to finally find my right match in a novel-esque way. I only type this after hours - 2300 or after. This keeps me up, but allows me to flow my ideas in main stream.

But then again, no one reads it. So why do I do it?

I hope you realize this is my silent scream for help. I'm not in any mental stress or self-destructive mind set. Just sometimes, I wish I could show you the true, positively pure version of myself, without lying or censoring myself. I wish my mind was as free around you as it is when I sit across a lake with a fish-eye view of the mountains, or when I'm in drone-mode working, but still freely thinking. But see, when I'm around you, I choke up, like a third grader around his crush. Just like that little dude, I'm immersed in you.

It's like the devil in me saw the angel in you.

Our simple misconnection could end if I just told you I like you. At that same moment, things could never be the same again. I've only had amazing memories with you so far, but there's no way I can risk that. I understand that I'm a figure of authority and my simple-folk impression's diminished. I'd still show you the world. I'd still show you that I care.

It's tough finding another motivation when all that's in my mind is you.

No regrets so far. My silent scream for help goes on.

Two days

There are just two days that separate me from becoming an adult.

Everyone I've talked to says there's no magical transformation when one turns 18. However, I'd like for there to be a significant switch for me.

Let's see what I can do here:

1. No more soda (until the 4th of April, and even then, only once occasionally).

2. No more pathetic advances on women

3. Less slacking, more working (which means actually applying for scholarships).

4. Still enjoy life as I have for the last 18 years.

I think it's possible.

I see less of it, but (t)it's still there

1. Quote a song (using the semi-colon incorrectly AGAIN)

2. Mean nothing out of it

3. Actually intend for them to stare at your boobs.

4. ???

5. Creepers!

Thoughts? Boobs...yeah. Just sayin'

(Also, notice the obvious 45-degree tilt, because boobs don't fit in a square frame. Buaha! Did you think us guys didn't get it?)

I'm in love with a drone.

She never starts the conversations. Whenever she needs my attention, it's for some school function. Yet, she's beautiful. There's nothing cold about her eyes or appearance.

It's so weird how someone like her managed to attend my school, or for that matter, popped into my life somehow. I've probably spent more time with her than almost any other girl I know. She probably mindlessly knows more about my life than more people bother to remember. I'm most certainly not in the friend zone - she never uses me to her personal advantage, and either do I.

That's not even the worst part - I made a song based from a chord progression stuck in my head after I heard she didn't feel well. I've secretly worked on it for a year now.

Neither she nor I are desperate for any attention, but for some reason, I keep wanting to expand our platonic relationship. If she comes to keep my company during sound tech, I'll be a super happy camper.

Talk to me. When you talk, the rain stops falling.

Best CreepyPasta Ever.

Search "Squidward's Suicide". It's a well-done creepypasta. It's probably the best since suicide mouse. It's not the way it's told. Merely, it's how much detail goes into describing the vid. The back story makes it quite believable, too.

Here's the truly creepy part: there are videos out of it.

This is what purely enhances the real-factor of this creepypasta.

However, just about any sound-mind individual can tell it's certainly fake. There'd obviously be leads regarding murdered children who were photographed. It's a step up from suicide mouse though, since that was just a walking, looped scene of mickey with depressing music (apparently leaving the lead animator to shoot himself in the head). All that happened at that showing was, apparently, vomiting co-workers.

Regardless...

Someday, I want to set all of the kids that harassed me as a kid and force them to see the vision of this story. I'll provide the popcorn.

(I'll post the picture when there's sunlight. The cover picture's quite creepy in itself.)

Oh! If anyone can brew up a good image of squidward with the hyperrealistic bloodshot eyes (aside from the google finds), I'll post it. I'd be interested in seeing how those would look. That's saying something, coming from a guy who has a phobia of faces. Just sayin...

I'll be up for a few days. If you need me, poke me with a stick.

Yup, I've been gone for a few days.

Deal with it, current 0-count subscribers!

(inb4foreveralone.jpg)

Three days later..

..and sure enough, I'm single again. It occurred practically 15 minutes earlier, but I'm not into specifics. IT HAPPENED. That's pretty much the point. Not gonna lie, it feels good to have a clear mind to think with.

Aside from that all, I'm proud to have 5 individual albums on iTunes, Beatport and more! Amber Lamps and Be With You are now available to buy.

Lovers gonna love.

Tomorrow's D-Day

I'll be a single man by 1530 tomorrow.

It's becoming apparent

...that my current relationship is on very unstable terms. It's odd how human nature directs your pleasure to what you don't have. I figure it's only natural for me to doubt my relationship, but sometimes, I over examine it. Apparently Friday's going to be interesting - crying on her behalf will almost definitely occur.

On my half, I'm certain it won't. I can't even guess what I'll be hearing.

Today reminded me of something

...as I was walking home with Rae, back against the sun, I visualized something intense. It was a cloud, full of the great memories I had back when I was 15, following me. I think, out of many other people I know, she shares most of my similar interests. It's not to say we'd be perfect together, but damn it if we'd ever lose contact. She's one of those people I hope to still talk to in 10 years.

If you go out of state for college, just stay damn close, please.

This happens rarely.

It's probably the scariest thing mentally for me:

I'll be sitting in my room, typing away on a document. I'm listening to music at a very low volume. It's low enough to where I could hear the clacks of my fingers hitting the keys. It's also low enough to where my imagination starts amplifying creaks around my house. For example, I'll be sitting there, thinking on a tangent and a small movement of the floorboards on the staircase sound like footsteps.

That's not the part that creeps me out.

My computer lags for a second, and a split second later (a trigger of a thousand neurons all at once) two people are shouting right in my ears.

I know this is rare, since it only happens when my mind is purely in a work-mode. It's also a trigger of my ADD, giving me no satisfaction in an ambient workplace. As a result, working with music's practically impossible. I've learned to deal with it, recently.

But still, it happens in real life, too. When two people raise their voice or yell in my ears, I shut off mentally. It's as if I exhibit a strange, sporadic slideshow of creepy faces, red burning people and childhood nightmares.

Sometimes this happens as well:

I'll be sitting down, looking intently at something (much like me typing away on a document). Then, out of the corner of my sight, I'll see two bright yellow lights. I'll look up and my imagination draws out a mirror image a person staring back at me. This doesn't creep me out as much as it would as a kid, mainly because I know what's there physically. Say I'm in a new environment, however - one of which I know is less secure and sound in my mind. My mental thought diminishes. My eyes begin moving around to absorb more light through the peripherals.

Perhaps it's normal human psyche. But regardless, when I get spooked like that, the music I'm listening to goes completely mute.

I'm back online!

Take that, ████!

Seriously, this ████ ██████ becoming a ███████ ████ ██ ███ ███.

Aside from that, I'm glad to be back. I'd like to say I got something done, and it still stands - I've made some progress on an intro song. Codename BASSCHECK will run a full 30-300hz test on sound systems before dropping into an absolutely crazy beat. Perfect, I think I can warm up a crowd that way. I have many snippets ready for live use, too. That'll take me well into the two-hour range, which is a solid base for any live set.

I have to admit, it's nice being prepared to play a venue, sell over 10 singles, hand out free, well-done remixes, have a vocalist coming in next Saturday and cast a professional music video for Crime Pays...all by the start of next week.

Oh my, would you look at me? I'm Mac East. I'm ever so famous. I play the biggest venues and sign my autograph on various parts of women. I just can't cut out enough time for my friends now that I have a big jet and visit two different countries in one day. I just can't live on. Life's SO unfair. If only someone could see who I am without the crafted plug head.

Blah. My dreams bitch me out for being humble.

I have a bad feeling about this.

December 31, 2011.

Around noon, I take a very pretty girl out for coffee. I took her downtown to The Market, a cafe/shop in Larimer Square. It's trendy - I buy for her and we sit down and talk like old buddies. It never struck me as hard that on the way back to her house, she asked if I was doing anything for New Years. I told her I was probably up to nothing. She told me she'd be all alone and spend another New Years alone.

What really happened was that I took my current girlfriend out downtown to see the fireworks at midnight, which was when I asked her out.

I feel as if I lost my chance to further get to know a wonderful person. She's really sweet and regardless of how one views life, she makes sure they feel at ease around her. Since May when we went to Boulder, or when I had to hold your hand as we walked into an abandoned place like brave explorers, to when I took you sledding for your first time in Colorado and undoubtably all the time I've spent talking to you late into the night, I'll miss you, Kayla. I hope we keep in touch, somehow.

Oh, yeah.

I'm in Glenwood Springs, trick!

(Photo of Winter Park from the Coach car, hundreds of miles away from Glenwood Springs)

Got up here by train - Amtrak. Yup, still owned by the government even after planned to fail two years after it's release. Plus side: I'm on a train! Down side: I'm walking on very little sunshine!

(It's cold and I have no car)

Besides the matter, it's very nice here. I'd like to return when it gets warmer and the bears aren't hibernating - face it, it makes for better entertainment than UFC.

Go-go-gadget-bears-beets-battlestargalactica.

This woman doesn't stop.

I slipped. I texted the wrong recipient.

What I meant for my girlfriend ended up being sent to the Facebook wall of an obsessed girl, of whom I've tried to avoid talking to.

Completely my fault: I texted "I can't get enough of you :)"

Obsessed lady replied: "eat your heart out babe ;) HAHAHAHAHAHA jk :D <3 mac I never talk to you anymore!"

Well, crap, now she wants to talk to me?! WHY OH WHY CAN'T I TEXT THE RIGHT PERSON AT THE RIGHT TIME?!?!

(#FirstWorldProblem)

Well, snap. Thankfully, some quick communication skills Courtney and myself have developed stopped this from blowing up like the royal wedding set atop V's evil plan for vendetta.

I dusted my hands like homer after a failed DIY project and chuckled appropriately. Mission accomplished, blanco niño. Mission accomplished.

Elaborate.

Escape the world in my room

Looking outside, have your dreams

About where to go, what to see

But I'm just as happy in my room

With you beside me.

Look up to the sky

Believe you can fly

With the ground below afar

There's no stopping how far,

We'll go.

Meh, that sucks. Nevermind.

Way To Make Yourself...

...a complete tool. You're quite photogenic, and here you go, increasing the exposure and gamma on your picture so people can't tell what your pretty face might look like. Not criticizing you...

...scratch that. I AM.

Be proud of that damn symmetry. Show off those proportionate eyes. You've stapled yourself as the photo-perfect high school senior. Not only that, but there's still a picture of you taking a picture with the most perfect backdrop of 'day-to-day school life'. It's a genius picture.

And I'm sick of the voices in my head telling me that my deep criticism is 'creepy'. Grow up.

...now if only we could fix that annoying voice of yours. And those Uggs - they gotta go too.

You...

I wish I could make a graphic novel and put all of my secret fantasies of us running away from it all in it. You've driven me to the fool I once was a few years ago - drooling over your every move by just being you. Whenever I compliment your eyes, I MEAN IT. And that innocent trip downtown New Years Eve? It meant the world to me. It's sad for me to think I over-think how catchy your name really is. Your first name's first letter matches your last name's first letter. That's what superheroes are notorious for!

If only you knew I made a song because I thought I got over you, but ended up falling in the damn hormonal conflict every other overdramatic teenager faces without a clue of how easy it is to control. See, that's the problem - there's no trap door. I can't back away. My body decided just the thought of you is a drug, and it's hooked.

Dammit all, YOUR EYES! They're like golden globes of green fields and sepia tone flashbacks of when my mind was in a better place.

...oh well. Probably gonna find a billion of you in college, but I'm confident you've earned a spot in my teenage heart forever.

Dream Log 5/January, 2012

There I am, sitting on the couch of my split-reality house. I'm told we have a gig at Red Rocks. For some reason, in my head, it's in the same location as Waterworld. Somehow, I teleport there. We're backstage, and somehow the stage is curtained off. I can see into the crowd of a couple hundred. Nothing special, just the bottom half filled. I can see people with glow sticks, small yellow lights and phones. They all seem very excited to see their small hometown hero play a remotely big gig. In my head, I'm getting nervous. I start going through to make sure I have every possible adaptor I may need during the show. Sev tells me to relax, and I wake up five minutes prior to the show starting.

I need more dreams like that.

These Vocals Are Perfect

There's something about the vocals. I'm hooked on them more than a voice like Nora Jones or Evanescence. It's not the cut-up style either that Todd Edwards is notorious for. The timbre and her timing-perfect delay on vibrato make me tense up in awe. They're probably the most plain vocals, but there's just something special about them! I'm probably a sucker for auto-tune, samplers, and automation-perfection, but still...music's music.

Wow, you've changed in the slightest, most annoying way.

So yeah,

Back a few years ago, I had the biggest crush on you. I felt like I was committed to getting you as a girlfriend. I ended up helping you date my best friend. Now that you've come back from your two-year residency towards the west, I see your attitude's dramatically changed. Not only are you snotty, but you've picked up a smug personality. Good lord, you brag about how your tumblr page attracts so many people, and how you got your first 'hater' a few days ago. Only took 180 so-odd followers, huh? My tumblr only has three followers, and I could care less about it.

It's sad to remember how outgoing you used to be without having to bear that wretched low you've reached. You were cute. You made me feel so liberated when I met you. I couldn't stop showing you all the neat, dorky things I knew. Even after you ripped my hopes up by dating my best friend, I thought you were still one of the coolest girls I knew.

It's sad to see you go.

Dammit.

Two girls:

Girl one - There's clearly a connection between us. I get along with her and she gets along with me. It works. She's a freshmen.

Girl two - There's never been any guarantees, but somehow I feel like she has better feelings for me. She's a junior.

Both girls I like quite a bit. I'm just not sure that the one I asked out on the millennium bridge four seconds before midnight on New Year's Eve (and confirmed the second after midnight) will share my feelings. Heck, taking a risk on a Freshman? That just doesn't sound like Mac.

On the other side, there's the Junior. I've taken her downtown for Coffee at the Market. We've gone to Boulder, both feeling absolutely amazing. Hell, I've taken her inside somewhere edgy and mysterious that she'd never trust anyone else in.

I'm sure she hinted that she wanted me to take her downtown for the countdown. Instead, I took my soon-to-be girlfriend. No need to call me a jerk - I already know it...and I know that's gonna be something I'll remember years from now.

I could've had that chance. I just could've.

I haven't had a girlfriend. Those sad, pathetic attempts at maintaining a relationship were seriously flawed and had no potential to them. If anything, it became a serious fwb advancement. In a way, I'm settling for girl one. I'm just not sure where my mind'll stop wondering for girl two.

That must seriously make me the least honest person a girl has ever met.