Really.

Just about nobody knows about this blog. It's become a dark realization I do this out of narcissism, but not really. I only argue against myself and amplify my insecurities. Maybe secretly I hope to finally find my right match in a novel-esque way. I only type this after hours - 2300 or after. This keeps me up, but allows me to flow my ideas in main stream.

But then again, no one reads it. So why do I do it?

I hope you realize this is my silent scream for help. I'm not in any mental stress or self-destructive mind set. Just sometimes, I wish I could show you the true, positively pure version of myself, without lying or censoring myself. I wish my mind was as free around you as it is when I sit across a lake with a fish-eye view of the mountains, or when I'm in drone-mode working, but still freely thinking. But see, when I'm around you, I choke up, like a third grader around his crush. Just like that little dude, I'm immersed in you.

It's like the devil in me saw the angel in you.

Our simple misconnection could end if I just told you I like you. At that same moment, things could never be the same again. I've only had amazing memories with you so far, but there's no way I can risk that. I understand that I'm a figure of authority and my simple-folk impression's diminished. I'd still show you the world. I'd still show you that I care.

It's tough finding another motivation when all that's in my mind is you.

No regrets so far. My silent scream for help goes on.