Three days later..

..and sure enough, I'm single again. It occurred practically 15 minutes earlier, but I'm not into specifics. IT HAPPENED. That's pretty much the point. Not gonna lie, it feels good to have a clear mind to think with.

Aside from that all, I'm proud to have 5 individual albums on iTunes, Beatport and more! Amber Lamps and Be With You are now available to buy.

Lovers gonna love.

Tomorrow's D-Day

I'll be a single man by 1530 tomorrow.

It's becoming apparent

...that my current relationship is on very unstable terms. It's odd how human nature directs your pleasure to what you don't have. I figure it's only natural for me to doubt my relationship, but sometimes, I over examine it. Apparently Friday's going to be interesting - crying on her behalf will almost definitely occur.

On my half, I'm certain it won't. I can't even guess what I'll be hearing.

Today reminded me of something

...as I was walking home with Rae, back against the sun, I visualized something intense. It was a cloud, full of the great memories I had back when I was 15, following me. I think, out of many other people I know, she shares most of my similar interests. It's not to say we'd be perfect together, but damn it if we'd ever lose contact. She's one of those people I hope to still talk to in 10 years.

If you go out of state for college, just stay damn close, please.

This happens rarely.

It's probably the scariest thing mentally for me:

I'll be sitting in my room, typing away on a document. I'm listening to music at a very low volume. It's low enough to where I could hear the clacks of my fingers hitting the keys. It's also low enough to where my imagination starts amplifying creaks around my house. For example, I'll be sitting there, thinking on a tangent and a small movement of the floorboards on the staircase sound like footsteps.

That's not the part that creeps me out.

My computer lags for a second, and a split second later (a trigger of a thousand neurons all at once) two people are shouting right in my ears.

I know this is rare, since it only happens when my mind is purely in a work-mode. It's also a trigger of my ADD, giving me no satisfaction in an ambient workplace. As a result, working with music's practically impossible. I've learned to deal with it, recently.

But still, it happens in real life, too. When two people raise their voice or yell in my ears, I shut off mentally. It's as if I exhibit a strange, sporadic slideshow of creepy faces, red burning people and childhood nightmares.

Sometimes this happens as well:

I'll be sitting down, looking intently at something (much like me typing away on a document). Then, out of the corner of my sight, I'll see two bright yellow lights. I'll look up and my imagination draws out a mirror image a person staring back at me. This doesn't creep me out as much as it would as a kid, mainly because I know what's there physically. Say I'm in a new environment, however - one of which I know is less secure and sound in my mind. My mental thought diminishes. My eyes begin moving around to absorb more light through the peripherals.

Perhaps it's normal human psyche. But regardless, when I get spooked like that, the music I'm listening to goes completely mute.

I'm back online!

Take that, ████!

Seriously, this ████ ██████ becoming a ███████ ████ ██ ███ ███.

Aside from that, I'm glad to be back. I'd like to say I got something done, and it still stands - I've made some progress on an intro song. Codename BASSCHECK will run a full 30-300hz test on sound systems before dropping into an absolutely crazy beat. Perfect, I think I can warm up a crowd that way. I have many snippets ready for live use, too. That'll take me well into the two-hour range, which is a solid base for any live set.

I have to admit, it's nice being prepared to play a venue, sell over 10 singles, hand out free, well-done remixes, have a vocalist coming in next Saturday and cast a professional music video for Crime Pays...all by the start of next week.

Oh my, would you look at me? I'm Mac East. I'm ever so famous. I play the biggest venues and sign my autograph on various parts of women. I just can't cut out enough time for my friends now that I have a big jet and visit two different countries in one day. I just can't live on. Life's SO unfair. If only someone could see who I am without the crafted plug head.

Blah. My dreams bitch me out for being humble.

I have a bad feeling about this.

December 31, 2011.

Around noon, I take a very pretty girl out for coffee. I took her downtown to The Market, a cafe/shop in Larimer Square. It's trendy - I buy for her and we sit down and talk like old buddies. It never struck me as hard that on the way back to her house, she asked if I was doing anything for New Years. I told her I was probably up to nothing. She told me she'd be all alone and spend another New Years alone.

What really happened was that I took my current girlfriend out downtown to see the fireworks at midnight, which was when I asked her out.

I feel as if I lost my chance to further get to know a wonderful person. She's really sweet and regardless of how one views life, she makes sure they feel at ease around her. Since May when we went to Boulder, or when I had to hold your hand as we walked into an abandoned place like brave explorers, to when I took you sledding for your first time in Colorado and undoubtably all the time I've spent talking to you late into the night, I'll miss you, Kayla. I hope we keep in touch, somehow.

Oh, yeah.

I'm in Glenwood Springs, trick!

(Photo of Winter Park from the Coach car, hundreds of miles away from Glenwood Springs)

Got up here by train - Amtrak. Yup, still owned by the government even after planned to fail two years after it's release. Plus side: I'm on a train! Down side: I'm walking on very little sunshine!

(It's cold and I have no car)

Besides the matter, it's very nice here. I'd like to return when it gets warmer and the bears aren't hibernating - face it, it makes for better entertainment than UFC.

Go-go-gadget-bears-beets-battlestargalactica.

This woman doesn't stop.

I slipped. I texted the wrong recipient.

What I meant for my girlfriend ended up being sent to the Facebook wall of an obsessed girl, of whom I've tried to avoid talking to.

Completely my fault: I texted "I can't get enough of you :)"

Obsessed lady replied: "eat your heart out babe ;) HAHAHAHAHAHA jk :D <3 mac I never talk to you anymore!"

Well, crap, now she wants to talk to me?! WHY OH WHY CAN'T I TEXT THE RIGHT PERSON AT THE RIGHT TIME?!?!

(#FirstWorldProblem)

Well, snap. Thankfully, some quick communication skills Courtney and myself have developed stopped this from blowing up like the royal wedding set atop V's evil plan for vendetta.

I dusted my hands like homer after a failed DIY project and chuckled appropriately. Mission accomplished, blanco niño. Mission accomplished.

Elaborate.

Escape the world in my room

Looking outside, have your dreams

About where to go, what to see

But I'm just as happy in my room

With you beside me.

Look up to the sky

Believe you can fly

With the ground below afar

There's no stopping how far,

We'll go.

Meh, that sucks. Nevermind.

Way To Make Yourself...

...a complete tool. You're quite photogenic, and here you go, increasing the exposure and gamma on your picture so people can't tell what your pretty face might look like. Not criticizing you...

...scratch that. I AM.

Be proud of that damn symmetry. Show off those proportionate eyes. You've stapled yourself as the photo-perfect high school senior. Not only that, but there's still a picture of you taking a picture with the most perfect backdrop of 'day-to-day school life'. It's a genius picture.

And I'm sick of the voices in my head telling me that my deep criticism is 'creepy'. Grow up.

...now if only we could fix that annoying voice of yours. And those Uggs - they gotta go too.

You...

I wish I could make a graphic novel and put all of my secret fantasies of us running away from it all in it. You've driven me to the fool I once was a few years ago - drooling over your every move by just being you. Whenever I compliment your eyes, I MEAN IT. And that innocent trip downtown New Years Eve? It meant the world to me. It's sad for me to think I over-think how catchy your name really is. Your first name's first letter matches your last name's first letter. That's what superheroes are notorious for!

If only you knew I made a song because I thought I got over you, but ended up falling in the damn hormonal conflict every other overdramatic teenager faces without a clue of how easy it is to control. See, that's the problem - there's no trap door. I can't back away. My body decided just the thought of you is a drug, and it's hooked.

Dammit all, YOUR EYES! They're like golden globes of green fields and sepia tone flashbacks of when my mind was in a better place.

...oh well. Probably gonna find a billion of you in college, but I'm confident you've earned a spot in my teenage heart forever.

Dream Log 5/January, 2012

There I am, sitting on the couch of my split-reality house. I'm told we have a gig at Red Rocks. For some reason, in my head, it's in the same location as Waterworld. Somehow, I teleport there. We're backstage, and somehow the stage is curtained off. I can see into the crowd of a couple hundred. Nothing special, just the bottom half filled. I can see people with glow sticks, small yellow lights and phones. They all seem very excited to see their small hometown hero play a remotely big gig. In my head, I'm getting nervous. I start going through to make sure I have every possible adaptor I may need during the show. Sev tells me to relax, and I wake up five minutes prior to the show starting.

I need more dreams like that.

These Vocals Are Perfect

There's something about the vocals. I'm hooked on them more than a voice like Nora Jones or Evanescence. It's not the cut-up style either that Todd Edwards is notorious for. The timbre and her timing-perfect delay on vibrato make me tense up in awe. They're probably the most plain vocals, but there's just something special about them! I'm probably a sucker for auto-tune, samplers, and automation-perfection, but still...music's music.

Wow, you've changed in the slightest, most annoying way.

So yeah,

Back a few years ago, I had the biggest crush on you. I felt like I was committed to getting you as a girlfriend. I ended up helping you date my best friend. Now that you've come back from your two-year residency towards the west, I see your attitude's dramatically changed. Not only are you snotty, but you've picked up a smug personality. Good lord, you brag about how your tumblr page attracts so many people, and how you got your first 'hater' a few days ago. Only took 180 so-odd followers, huh? My tumblr only has three followers, and I could care less about it.

It's sad to remember how outgoing you used to be without having to bear that wretched low you've reached. You were cute. You made me feel so liberated when I met you. I couldn't stop showing you all the neat, dorky things I knew. Even after you ripped my hopes up by dating my best friend, I thought you were still one of the coolest girls I knew.

It's sad to see you go.

Dammit.

Two girls:

Girl one - There's clearly a connection between us. I get along with her and she gets along with me. It works. She's a freshmen.

Girl two - There's never been any guarantees, but somehow I feel like she has better feelings for me. She's a junior.

Both girls I like quite a bit. I'm just not sure that the one I asked out on the millennium bridge four seconds before midnight on New Year's Eve (and confirmed the second after midnight) will share my feelings. Heck, taking a risk on a Freshman? That just doesn't sound like Mac.

On the other side, there's the Junior. I've taken her downtown for Coffee at the Market. We've gone to Boulder, both feeling absolutely amazing. Hell, I've taken her inside somewhere edgy and mysterious that she'd never trust anyone else in.

I'm sure she hinted that she wanted me to take her downtown for the countdown. Instead, I took my soon-to-be girlfriend. No need to call me a jerk - I already know it...and I know that's gonna be something I'll remember years from now.

I could've had that chance. I just could've.

I haven't had a girlfriend. Those sad, pathetic attempts at maintaining a relationship were seriously flawed and had no potential to them. If anything, it became a serious fwb advancement. In a way, I'm settling for girl one. I'm just not sure where my mind'll stop wondering for girl two.

That must seriously make me the least honest person a girl has ever met.