Here's the deal; Every time I go in to deposit a check or earn some pocket money, I celebrate a little. I walk into the King Soopers off of 80th and Wadsworth (yes, that overkill of a market) and go directly to the beverage refrigerator on the far right portion of the store. No big deal. I always pick out my beverage of choice- Powerade Zero in Strawberry. Delicious stuff. Only today was different- no more Powerade Zero in Strawberry. In fact, no Powerade Zero variety at all. So here I am, looking at these hippie excuses for tea, Sobe vomit in a plastic container, JUICE (as if the world hasn't stopped packaging nature already) and finally, my eyes rest upon the bright, retina blinding primary colors of Neuro water.
I've heard rants about this damn water all over Facebook, claiming their 'effects' work. Now, me being all sassy and what not, I strongly dislike when people think carbonated water gives off superpowers. With the amount of Diet Coke I've drank in my life, I should be Superman. NO- Iron Man...with cancer.
Anyways, I decide to buy this overpriced 14.5flOz of white water. As I'm walking to the register, I'm reading the bottle. In the bottom left corner of the label, it reads strongly that no claims on the bottle were, or are, approved or researched by the FDA. So now I'm thinking I'm carrying a bottle full of horse sperm. No big deal- it's on sale.
These claims on the bottle- let's read them specifically:
- Helps reduce stress
- Enhances mood
- Provides focused concentration
- Promotes a positive outlook
AND BEHOLD, I TAKE A DRINK.
First thought- it's flat Fresca. It is! All of this is marketing BS. I'm sure somewhere the corporation that distributes Fresca is in a desperate situation to get more business, because who likes Fresca? No one. That's who likes Fresca.
On my way home, I'm yelling at old people to get off the road. So now I'm pretty set on the idea that Neuro doesn't want to sell to old people. Sounds legit. Anyways, there goes the claim that it reduces stress. There's my second thought.
Third thought- I'm not singing along to Katy Perry. As we all know, you're in a damn good mood if you're singing along to Katy Perry. I most certainly wasn't. So there goes the whole 'enhances mood' BS.
I do think it improved my concentration. I can only say that much so far. Here's my reasoning- Pomona was having a Car Wash and they brought out the cheerleading squad. So essentially there are high school girls in bikinis. I drive by them and all I could think of was Katy Perry. So yeah, concentration savvy water here.
I'll leave that fourth one up in the air. Buying the water makes you feel good, sure. It's a futuristic-looking water bottle that isn't plastered with sponsors or graphics- it gets right to the point. Frankly, most packaging should be that way anyways. We don't need to be sold by 90's marketing techniques. That's out the door seven years ago!
So while I hate this water, I can't give it any more thought. Mainly, because it's going to pass right through me. Secondly, Katy Perry.
